either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
