I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
