I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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