I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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