okay pat passed out under dana's car
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
