She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
