roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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