I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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