He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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