If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
