She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
