Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
