I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
