I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
