I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There r osticjed everywhere
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize