the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize