How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
