After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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