Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
