You're earring is so big in my mouth
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
