The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
