on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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