so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
