Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
