That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
