The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
