it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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