The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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