i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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