I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
