Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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