when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How external is "for external use only"?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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