I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
3pm strippers are depressing
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
