You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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