I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
