I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
last night I used snow as a chaser
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