you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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