Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
