I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
