Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
