I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
