my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
