I will die if light touches me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
