I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
