you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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