I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
