What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
