did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm too high and old for this...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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