your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
