how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
