I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
