You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
