After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize