My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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