Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
the liver wants what the liver wants
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
