I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
