I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
