I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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