When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
