you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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