just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize